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home : opinion : opinion May 24, 2016


5/4/2014 6:00:00 AM
Editorial: Partying with Bachelor Jesus is no 'Hangover'

Alan Choate
News Editor


In 2012, Harvard Divinity School professor Karen King announced a startling find: A scrap of papyrus that indicated Jesus was married. If true, the ramifications would shake foundations of faith and quite possibly force the re-evaluation of centuries of religious thought.

As it turns out, we probably don't have to worry about that.

The papyrus and the ink used checked out as ancient, but apparently there are discrepancies in grammar, handwriting and dialect that cast doubt on its authenticity. The piece came to King anonymously as part of a batch of papyrus writings, and a scrap from the same batch has been identified as a forgery, so the rest of the collection is suspect.

But what an idea it is! For instance, if Jesus was married, then at one point he was Bachelor Jesus. So naturally, before he got married, Bachelor Jesus had a bachelor party.

I was there. 

Using my space-time-continuum-busting columnist powers, I attended Bachelor Jesus' bachelor party with his 12 disciples, aka groomsmen.

We went to Las Vegas, of course.

I figured rolling with the Son of God and his Krewe would be sweet. Bring on the stretch Escalade limo!

Except not. 

We took the bus. And, of course, Bachelor Jesus gave up his seat to someone who needed it, which meant we all had to follow His example, so we spent all our bus time standing. 

"Jesus," I said. "I have a convertible. Let's cruise to the next joint and let your 12 merry men meet us there!"

"Whatever I expect from others, I must also do," he said, firmly but courteously. 

I pushed for Caesars Palace or the Wynn, but we ended up getting off the bus downtown and walking to Jerry's Nugget in North Las Vegas. Most of the guys went for the prime rib special, and while Jesus wouldn't put any chips down, I got him to join me at the craps table. 

When my turn came, I tried to get him to blow on the dice - "Hey, let's make it a holy roller!" I said - but he wouldn't do it. 

"You're wasting your time and your money," Bachelor Jesus said, adding, "Besides, you just asked another dude to blow on your dice. That's just wrong."

Later, a couple of disciples joined me for blackjack. We were doing pretty well. Our stacks of chips were growing, and we felt confident enough to let a few wins ride, until we were looking at fairly serious bets for a $3 blackjack table.

The dealer had a two of hearts up, showing 12. I stayed on 15, and encouraged everyone else to stay too.

"I don't know," said Thomas, who had a 13. "I don't think this will work."

But he stayed. Then Judas, who was sitting at third base with an 11, doubled down and got the jack of clubs. 

"Boo-yah!" said Judas, and as it turned out, the dealer had the 10 of diamonds, indeed giving her a 12 and a mandatory hit ... and she dealt herself the eight of spades.

A 20, instead of the 22 she should've had. 

"Judas!" I said. "How could you!"

Then we went down the street to the Palomino Club, and boy, was that a disaster.

Inside of 30 minutes, Bachelor Jesus had convinced every woman in there to put her clothes on, and all of the bouncers and waitstaff to give up booze, drugs and easy money, and they were all coming to the wedding and then going to work in various humanitarian causes.

"Some party," I said. "Jesus, you are really whipped."

"You should be so lucky," he said.

And that's the problem with partying with people like Bachelor Jesus: They're always right.


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Reader Comments

Posted: Sunday, May 18, 2014
Article comment by: Fiction Writer

"Alan, Really you should get yourself Bill O'Reilly's books, "Killing Jesus" and "Jesus's Last Days" !!!!"

Possibly because maybe he is not into fiction. I have watched Bill change over the last twenty years, I used to like him. Now he is constantly trying to push his own personal agenda. He talks about his work helping our veterans, good on him, but what was his reason for not serving? He talks about fair and balanced while only trashing everybody that is not a Republican. No thanks, I won't help line his pockets with money.


Posted: Tuesday, May 6, 2014
Article comment by: DOLLAR BILL

"The left wants anything they don't agree with silenced".

Can you give us some examples Kingman Dweller?

Thank You in advance.


Posted: Monday, May 5, 2014
Article comment by: Kingman Dweller

Mr. Choate,
After having read this piece of... Well I am not really sure what to call it. Let's just say article, it is quite clear that you do not have respect for other people's beliefs. If you did, you would not disrespect something that is held so sacred. Just letting you know that while I find you writing to be inflammatory and offensive, I still will stand for your right to write such things. That's the difference between the left and right. I may not like what you have to say, but will defend your right to say it. The left wants anything they don't agree with silenced. Who's intolerant? Please write on, this paper needs more articles of little substance. Just don't try printing anything that makes fun of something the left holds dear, you might be ran out of town.


Posted: Monday, May 5, 2014
Article comment by: DOLLAR BILL

Holy Cow Alan!

Even I got it!

What I can't understand is why are there so many UPTIGHT people!

Turn the other cheek dudes!


Posted: Monday, May 5, 2014
Article comment by: unemotional robot

@ Uncle Anson:
"...if a believer is wrong they have nothing to lose..."
Beep: It's Monday. A 'Christian' uses Pascal's Wager in a debate for about the 14-billionth time. The sun eventually will set in the west. The 4 Horsemen decline comment.
"...not one bit of humor..."
Boop: Finding humor requires a sense for it. Source: blind people cannot identify with colors.
"...I feel sorry that people like you that live in hopeless despair..."
Whirr: Faux empathy is a sentiment of the insincere. Source: humans cannot read minds. Projection detected.
"That is between you and God and if you could be wrong..."
Patronization and arrogance detected. +100 points. Cafeteria Christianity detected: "Hey sinner, don't blame ME, it was God/Allah/Buddha that said it... I'm only spreading his love/will/truth!" What an imagination. You might as well blame Batman for what that's worth.
I think this editorial is humorous, cheeky and fun. Beep boop beep - end transmission.


Posted: Monday, May 5, 2014
Article comment by: ???? MR. C.

Alan, you should seek treatment "Soon"!!! You can start right away if you like. Read the BIBLE and then attend a church of you choice. But, most of all, lay off the souse or you may end up believing the things you conjure up.

Posted: Monday, May 5, 2014
Article comment by: Jody Wallace

Mr. Choate,
While I respect your right to your own opinions, I myself find them quite disparaging. You are most assuredly entitled to those opinions, but be careful how you disseminate them. You sir, are in a position of power, of sorts. You must be mindful of that power and the repercussions it may have. Our country has fallen so far from the grace of God and the comments you publish could be so powerful as to dissuade people from the truth. Certainly, if your writings were labeled as “fiction” or “fantasy”, they would be received as such and have little to no power over someone. I find it dangerous to act in such a way as to possibly be responsible for an innocent to be misled from the truth of the free gift of salvation through Jesus Christ.
That being said sir, I understand that these are only my opinions, and like elbows, most people have at least a couple.
<><


Posted: Monday, May 5, 2014
Article comment by: Uncle Anson

Nephew-
It is a matter of tolerance. It is a matter of not twisting words to defend some position. I simply offered one way to look at things. I do not sow seeds of hate and intolerance. The point is to love the sinner and hate the sin. One cannot call people names and dismiss someone as a crook or constantly rail insults at one political party or group of people and be something one accuses others of not being. One cannot act so smug as to be beyond reproach in your own mind. Regardless of ones personal convictions, nothing calls for name calling and insults. Look at the discussions here. Most are simply defensive or insulting. One can let...or better yet...ignore positions contrary to theirs and work positively to educate as opposed to inflame. One can improve education by being a teacher. Invest in the future. There is no place for hindsight except to correct today based on yesterday for tomorrow. Be a part of the solution and not a part of the problem.


Posted: Monday, May 5, 2014
Article comment by: Justa Citizen

It amazes me how some people can finagle a way to turn anything someone says upside down and backwards to make it sound like they are intolerant and yet can constantly rant and rave in their diatribes on here showing there own hate and intolerance.

I guess it's the liberal way. If your argument is no good, attack the oppositions argument any way you can whether it is true and factual or not. I guess it is easy to sit there in a chair eating your Cheetos and drinking your Kool-Aid pounding on the keyboard with such outrage that it's easy to get carried away with your own importance in the world (or lack of it).


As far as the editorial goes, I thought it was silly and inane and really a waste of space. Of course, being an agnostic, I could not care less about the religious aspects of it, but I did wonder why someone would feel the need to write it. Also wondered if that same person would have the guts to write a similar piece about Mohammed, although I hope they don't. It would be just as silly and inane and waste of space.


Posted: Monday, May 5, 2014
Article comment by: Anson's Nephew

“You see if things are as you and Nephew would postulate then if a believer is wrong they have nothing to lose but if you are wrong. You lose it all.”

So you are claiming that because I am not a Christian and do not subscribe to the – often fallacious – ramblings of so-called “Christians” I am going to “lose it all?”

Hogwash.

What I believe is that so-called Christians who do not follow the words of God and their savior Jesus Christ will, based on their own teachings, lose it all.

“I am responsible for sowing the seed not for the results of where that seed lands.”

Sowing seeds of hate and intolerance and their results is, most assuredly, your responsibility.



Posted: Monday, May 5, 2014
Article comment by: pl .....

Of all the places I have lived and where I have had acquaintances, I must say that Kingman and South Africa most epitomize the old saying "there must be something in the water". I won't embarrass my friends and acquaintances in other locales, but I don't mind embarrassing Kingmanites at all, although they hardly need it, as they do such a good job themselves. You can make a foll out of yourself temporally, or with respect to eternity. Temporally, any fool should be able to notice such epic fail phenomenae as the national debt, loss of privacy, converging of disparate Musilm organisations (a great scheme, btw, to Islamisise America before you know what Dhimmied you), and your being genocided by Monsanto and related laws against natural food production. But not in Kingman. No, sir. Anybody writing three or more consecutive intelligiible sentences here in favour of informed logical thought is a tin-foil conspirator, to be collectively defiled and discarded. As for the eternal, unlike some other contributors here - how do you say this? - I look for atmosphere. A respectful setting where such an ultimately respectable topic may be discussed properly, not like haggling over an old part in a junkyard. You don't even own 90% of the arable land and you're like this. SA shames you.

Posted: Sunday, May 4, 2014
Article comment by: Tommy Choate

Alan Choate, you crack me up but impress me at the same time...enjoyed your article...love from your uncle!

Posted: Sunday, May 4, 2014
Article comment by: David Gaither

[quote] "Jesus is not God Almighty. Learn basic religion, Athens."

In the context of Linda's statement, she is correct. God created Jesus in His image and was God in man's image. Therefore ridicule of Jesus is ridicule of God Himself!

Choate may want to consider asking for forgiveness...soon! We will ask on his behalf, also.


Posted: Sunday, May 4, 2014
Article comment by: Uncle Anson

Liberal L - have you any concept of the Trinity? If you did you would see the fallacy of your statement. If you are a non - believer then believe that way. Pretty simple. You see if things are as you and Nephew would postulate then if a believer is wrong they have nothing to lose but if you are wrong. You lose it all.

As for Mr. Choate's editorial there is not one bit of humor nor is there one bit of redeeming factor either editorial or social.

In a way I feel sorry that people like you that live in hopeless despair disguised under some sort of senseless logic designed to persuade yourself that you cannot be wrong.

You see, I am responsible for sowing the seed not for the results of where that seed lands. That is between you and God and if you could be wrong just think about what you have sacrificed in the name of belligerence while here on this earth. No reply is required....have a nice day.


Posted: Sunday, May 4, 2014
Article comment by: Linda Athens

Just a reminder to Mr Choate who either forgot or simply never knew.

Jesus is referred to as the Bridegroom and His Bride the church, church being every single heart that has accepted Jesus Christ as their savior.

The Holy Spirit entering your own spirit at that time makes each "born again" Christian part of the church and also each one is called a saint.

Ephesians 5:25-27 but is told about all the way through the NT by Paul, John in Revelation, etc.

Also Song of Solomon in the OT.

At the Second Coming of Christ, the church will be united with the Bridegroom, the official "wedding ceremony" will take place and, with it, the eternal union of Christ and His bride will be actualized (Revelation 19:7-9 21:1-2).

No, not just Baptists or Catholics or Assembly of God folks, but those who invited Christ into their heart no matter what their denomination.
Will also include former atheists, Jews, muslims who converted. One big Holy Spirit (God) living in all these spirits, uniting them together.


Posted: Sunday, May 4, 2014
Article comment by: Deirdre Marcrum

I enjoy your take on this as not many try to lighten up such a heavy subject. It's so much easier for us to zero in on what our 'chatter' will accomplish than what our encouragement would accomplish. I like your chatter.

Posted: Sunday, May 4, 2014
Article comment by: Liberal Lion

Jesus is not God Almighty. Learn basic religion, Athens.

Posted: Sunday, May 4, 2014
Article comment by: Most disrespectful

I agree with Linda's quote, "What a waste of good space. Lucky for you you live in the United States so this drivel about God Almighty is allowed.
I dare you to write something similar about Mohammed.
Your complete disrespect, which you have here treated as something funny (it wasn't) may come back to haunt you one day." Your article is not a bit funny and as a Christian I am appalled by your writing.


Posted: Sunday, May 4, 2014
Article comment by: Amaryllis Smith

Alan, Really you should get yourself Bill O'Reilly's books, "Killing Jesus" and "Jesus's Last Days" !!!!

Posted: Sunday, May 4, 2014
Article comment by: Anson's Nephew

“What a waste of good space.”

Nah, it was well done and quite humorous.

“I dare you to write something similar about Mohammed.”

Why? I have a thought, why don’t you?

”With all going on this week, smoking gun on Benghazi…”

Nope, still wrong. No “smoking gun.” This is all the GOP’er’s have to whine about and it is becoming laughably pathetic.

“Were you to know the scriptures, you would realize Jesus would have no problem with someone riding in a limo as opposed to a bus.”

NOW THAT IS FUNNY! Good one.


Posted: Sunday, May 4, 2014
Article comment by: Linda Athens

What a waste of good space. Lucky for you you live in the United States so this drivel about God Almighty is allowed.

I dare you to write something similar about Mohammed.

Your complete disrespect, which you have here treated as something funny (it wasn't) may come back to haunt you one day.

With all going on this week, smoking gun on Benghazi, more out of the work force than in thirty five years, you picked THIS to write?

Were you to know the scriptures, you would realize Jesus would have no problem with someone riding in a limo as opposed to a bus.

The good news for you, rather than a fatwah on your head, Jesus still died on the cross for your sins. You are always welcome at the foot of the cross.




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