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home : opinion : opinion July 27, 2016

9/23/2012 6:00:00 AM
Column: The missus and the Messiah

Alan Choate
News Editor

We learned last week that some woman from Harvard says Jesus had a wife.

This assertion re-stirred up the contentious debate over whether Jesus ever married, a subject that's been hotly debated since Christianity's earliest days.

I'll leave that brouhaha to the academics.

What I'd like to hear is the gospel of Jesus' spouse. What would it be like to be married to the Messiah?

"Jesus Christ! When did you get back?"

"It was near dawn. And you are like the dawn, bringing light to my life and my tired eyes."

"Don't start. I suppose that gang of yours is out in the barn?"

"My disciples? Yes. They are sleeping."

"They're good at that."

"Judge not, my sweet flower."

"Don't take away my fun. So, good night? Lots of sermons?"

"Yes. I spoke the Word from a boat, and then Simon and I cast nets and caught many fish, even though fishermen's nets were empty all day."

"That's wonderful! Our cupboard's a little bare, you know."

"We shared the fish with the people. But some we have returned with, so that we may eat and continue in the service of our Lord."

"Wait. Are those the fish? Over there? You have a dozen young men who will do anything you say, and I'm the one cleaning the fish? How does that make sense, Mr. Alpha and Omega?"

"Please, we are resting, for we must depart this afternoon."

"Well, speaking of fish ... what's this I hear about you catching a fish with a coin in its mouth? 'It's a miracle,' everyone said. I suppose by some miracle you still have this coin?"

"You know that we store not our treasures on Earth."

"Oh, do I. But one of the moneylenders from the temple came by today. That little stunt where you overturned all the tables in the temple ... well, they're getting impatient. We missed the last two payments, you know."

"Worrying will not add hours to the day nor coins to our pockets. Trust in me, and be not concerned."

"Really? 'Be not concerned'? You're not helping."

At this point, Jesus, in His wisdom, would shut the heck up for a bit.

"So, what's this trip? Another wedding?"


"And I suppose there's 'no wine' at this wedding too, right? Just like the last one, except all that wine miraculously appeared as soon as your lot showed up?"

"That was merely fortuitous. I told them it was not my time."

"Oh, Jesus. 'I will drink no wine before its time,' is that what you're saying? I know you better, sweetie. Our first date? The leaky old wineskin? People think you're deep with all that 'Men do not pour new wine into old wineskins' stuff, but you knew that because of -"

"Let us not dwell on past transgressions."

"Not that I'm complaining. That was a very romantic night."

Jesus' wife sighs.

"So. Off again. I suppose that Mary's going to be there?"

"I have many followers. I cannot name them all, but our Father in Heaven can ..."

"You know perfectly well who I mean, Mr. Lamb of God."

"That is not a title I've accepted."

"'And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go.' Jesus, I'm getting tired of hearing that whispered behind my back. So how 'bout you help me stuff a sandal in it?"

"You shall hear rumors, but see that you are not troubled."

"Stop talking in sound bites. Listen, I have fish to clean. You need to fix the roof before you head out - I married a handyman, didn't I? And make sure those boys wash their hands AND their feet before they come in for breakfast."

"Yes, dear."

And verily I say unto thee - a man who says that, and means it, is a man who knows how to create peace on Earth.

ICT - Mission Bank 233x388

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Reader Comments

Posted: Saturday, October 6, 2012
Article comment by: Frank Lee Speaking

I recently have begun to see previews/ads on TV for a new show. I believe it is called American Horror Story-Asylum. First thing I noticed is the large number of nuns you see in the ads. And as someone who went to Catholic Schools I KNOW a nun in Habit when I see one. I did a search and was able to read up on the show and characters. What do you know ........ a couple of nuns as central characters as well as a Monsignor.

Keep this piece of crap show in mind when you hear liberals state that Christians are not targets. I am sure they view this as being "Art"

Think you will ever see a show on TV that treats muslims the same way? Not if you are waiting for liberals in Hollywood to do it.

Posted: Friday, October 5, 2012
Article comment by: tj denton

mohammad. i dont believe in disrespecting anyones religion. all im saying is that liberals dare not make fun of Islam, but just Looooove to make fun of Christ and Christians?? why is that? because evil hates good and good hates no one, thats why

Posted: Thursday, October 4, 2012
Article comment by: Mohammad Wine

@tj denton

In the movie/show/soundtrack I mentioned earlier JS Superstar, in the very Title song Judas sings the following to Jesus

"Buddha was he where it's at?
Is he where you are?
Could Mohammad move a mountain
Or was that just PR?"

That was pretty equal opportunity satire, and was mentioned by Islam when the song was created. The authors refused to change the lyrics to appease Islam. That's freedom.

Posted: Thursday, October 4, 2012
Article comment by: tj denton

i agree frank. its hypocritical nonsense. if i, as a Christian say something bad about islam. im a hate mongor, bigot racist. if ANYONE mocks christianity. no one cares and its "funny satire".

Posted: Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Article comment by: Frank Lee Speaking

@Tj Denton

Notice how you never see liberals, even the ones here in Podunk, attacking islam.........ever? Not being a terrorist enabler will cost them valuable liberal street cred.

I read a great one liner the other day. "Ever notice how people are not killed if someone mocks the Pope?"


Posted: Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Article comment by: Tj Denton

Anson, if youre going to attemt an insult. At least be original and not use the exact same thing i just said, i would respect the joke more.

On a different note, the intentional lower casing of Christians is disrespectful. You expect others to respect peoples religions and beliefs and ways of life but you feel that you have the right to disrespect a group of people for their Christianity. Am i spelling hypocrite incorrectly?

Posted: Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Article comment by: Anson's Nephew

“And again we have him disrespecting a group of people (Christians) because of their religion...ansons nephew ladies and gentlemen, give him a hand”

And again we have Tj demonstrating his inability to comprehend the written word. Big hand for the Lil Guy, folks!

Posted: Monday, October 1, 2012
Article comment by: Tj Denton

And again we have him disrespecting a group of people (Christians) because of their religion...ansons nephew ladies and gentlemen, give him a hand

Posted: Saturday, September 29, 2012
Article comment by: Mohammad Wine @ Concerned Citizen II

Isn't life strange? I can't tell you what to believe, but Russia, that may be a different story, land of free atheists...

ROSTOV-ON-DON, Russia, Sept. 29 (UPI) -- Russian prosecutors said they will review an order blocking a performance of "Jesus Christ Superstar" due to complaints it might offend religious sentiment.The performance had been scheduled at the Rock Opera theater in Rostov-on-Don next month but was delayed by an appeal by 18 residents of the city.Russia's RIA Novosti news agency said the appeal was based on a bill that criminalizes offending religious sentiment, and the 18 Rostov residents said the rock opera had not been approved by church leaders.

Posted: Saturday, September 29, 2012
Article comment by: Mohammad Wine



When I mentioned Jesus Christ Superstar I had no idea that the concert/opera/show has continued every year since it's start way back when. Even a new movie in 2000, which shows Mary in scene above, singing to a sleeping Jesus, When I heard this rendition, every word Alan Choate had written came to mind.

It did a Broadway concert tour just this summer, and from what I can tell is doing England now. Sinners and Saints, any faith can grow if they keep an open mind. Peace.

Posted: Saturday, September 29, 2012
Article comment by: Anson's Nephew

We went to see J.C. Superstar in Scottsdale the weekend it opened and were greeted by an insane variety of nut-cases waving signs and screeching about blasphemy. Then one wild-eyed woman with hair that would terrify a child shoved a sign in my face and said, “Jesus does not want you to see that movie.” I responded with, “Really? Where is he? Have him come over and tell me that in person.” She spewed some more spittle at me and attacked the next person in line. Gotta love them christians (small “C” deliberate).

Posted: Friday, September 28, 2012
Article comment by: warning .....

a pastor and priest stood by a road waving signs which read "Turn around! The end is near!" as several cars passed and motorists yelled out "Get out of here, you religious nuts!" After each car passed, the pastor and priest heard horrible crashing and splashing sounds from down the road around the bend, and turned to each other, and finally decided to change their signs to read "Beware - bridge is out around the bend!" For those who feel that warnings of eternity to come have been a bit unclear or lacked credibility in any way.

Posted: Thursday, September 27, 2012
Article comment by: Concerned Citizen II

@ Mohammad Wine

Why would I, an atheist of 50+ years, want to prove there is no god? I know there isn't and I don't care what you believe just as long as you don't try to shove your beliefs in my face or down my throat.

Posted: Thursday, September 27, 2012
Article comment by: nnp .....

I was in London and right outside the theatre during the evening that "Jesus Christ Superstar" was first shown (although I did not attend its opening). Heady atmosphere - America in the death throws of its involvement in Vietnam, Baby Boomers gorged on drugs, Ireland in chaos ("the Troubles").....and here we had a hip film in which an obscenely overweight character raises his contemptuous voice in song - "Jesus Christ, Superstar - do you believe you're who they say you are?". It was Europe which more directly bore the trauma of World War II (Cursed be the 300-word limit in discussing weighty matters). Maybe the film's tone should be understood against that backdrop - oh, but not against the backdrop of Europe's own sins and crimes of colonialism. Blame it all on Jesus (something like that, anyway). Details may change with time and location, but some people here and now seem to have the same attitude, rather than to show the proper respect.

Posted: Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Article comment by: Mohammad Wine

Just remembered something I meant to mention about atheists, they can have some of the most extreme bias against other people of other faiths. Atheists can not use math or facts to prove there is no God and so NOT believing in God is taken by faith alone. I know, having worked in some research centers, scientist atheists sometimes are very critical against anyone that thinks different than they do on faith.
Allowing that there may be a God, well he allows us to decide what to believe. That's a lot nicer than how some humans do not allow others to believe as they choose.
Here is a mystery & a beginning of wisdom
Proverbs 3 - verses 13-17

Posted: Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Article comment by: Mohammad Wine

Seeing more Christians with anger in their hearts, just like the anger in extremist groups that link with any religion, cult, or atheists. When I responded earlier it was rather tongue in cheek, just so no one thinks I was actually against what Alan wrote. But all ye Christians take note, to show the other cheek, By whatever name you call him God & or his prophets and Angels can deal with this sorta thing, where your heart is, there so ...
I mentioned Jesus Christ Superstar as that play/movie caused great outcry when it first came out, but I bet it made more young people interested in Jesus than not. Beatles too had their early records burned in US after John mentioned how their popularity was becoming greater than that of the Bible. Silly thing to say really because the Bible is the bestseller of all times.The first few books in the Bible are the same for Islam or Christianity. Christian, Jew, or Islamic all have the same God, the Eternal, only difference is in the written details after Jesus came on the scene.

Posted: Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Article comment by: tj denton

concerned citizen jr.

how can one threaten a pseudonym??

Posted: Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Article comment by: Concerned Citizen II

@ all those criticizing Alan Choate' column

Okay, so how am I supposed to interpret your comments about feeling offended, blashpemed, cursed, insulted -- combined with your comparisons to Muslim terrorists? Does it mean you are declaring jihad against Mr. Choate and all those who enjoyed the light-hearted and funny piece, including myself? Do you threaten us?

Posted: Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Article comment by: Kingman Dweller

Interesting article. The question that came to my mind the most was, Why on earth would he want to be married if he had to listen to that everytime he came home! No wonder he was on the road so much! This article seemed more of a slam against wives as nags than anything else.

Posted: Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Article comment by: V Stokes

Bill Cosby poked fun at God, Moses, and the bible over 40 years ago. Everybody laughed....

My, how the world has changed.

Posted: Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Article comment by: Michael Reddin

To characterize those who criticize Alan's column as "fanatics" demonstrates a dearth of intellectual discriminaition. That is similar to asserting that all democrats are idiots. I have many friends who are democrats and certainly not all of them are idiots. For someone who prolifically contributes to the forum to refer to the "letters of late" as being "dismal, fear-mongering, hateful" certainly conjures up the imagery of self-reflection. Alan, I propose a plot line for another parody: Whenever Obama leaves the While House to play golf, missus M suspects that he is actually playing patty cake with another woman, and, missus M is so incensed, she burns the American flag, loads up the kiddies and 20 of their friends in the tax payers jet, and heads for another country of which she can be more proud than the USA, and spends a small fortune at the spa to calm her nerves. This will certainly balance the scales for the liberals who have messianic adoration for Barack. I look forward to the development of this parody. It should be "HILARIOUS!" One can only imagine the "fanatical" and "dismal, fear-mongering, hateful" letters which would have come from the libs if Alan had written such an "absolutely outstanding" piece.

Posted: Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Article comment by: Lori Gabriel-Dane

To Tj Denton:

So the idea of Jesus being married is just as insulting as the suggestion that Mohammud was a child molester? It has long been suggested that Jesus was married. And now they have found an artifact that may actually prove this. And if it's true that Jesus was, indeed, married, how would you know what their conversations might have been like? Alan could have been right on!

Posted: Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Article comment by: tj denton

So to insult my God is okay, but to Insult Mohammad is wrong because you are being the judge of the severity of the insult? any insult to ones religion is offensive, i try to show every religion my respect. I thought you liberals with your coexist bumper stickers would support that more than anyone...guess not. just face it. youre a hypocrite.

Posted: Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Article comment by: Michael Reddin

Interesting responses to my comments to Alan. I have congratulated him in the past on his writings. This was a departure from his better work. I do note that Tj Denton highlights the hypocrisy of some who regularly comment in the forum: Condemning insults toward Mohammed, but congratulating a writing that is insulting to many in this community. I also note, so far, the absence of "an on-slaught of hate filled responses from religious fanatics" and "the dismal, fear-mongering, hateful letters of late." Really? Those comments seem rather fanatical and hateful by characterizing any criticism of Alan's article as such. Alan, I apologize for the comment about auditing a high school journalism class. That was an attempt at humor, much like your own.

Posted: Monday, September 24, 2012
Article comment by: Concerned Citizen

Holy cow, lighten up! I can't believe so many people being offended by a very well written piece of humor. I think we are lucky to have a guy like Alan writing for the Miner. Evidently there are a bunch folks with lots of time on their hands, more than I ever imagined......

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