Marvin's Window

Everything you could want right inside your television screen

I may have been looking out the wrong window.

I found all the answers to most of life's questions looking through the window of my television.

Early morning and late night programs, many of them paid for like informational commercials, have a lot of answers for things I would like to change.

Getting in shape and losing weight is a breeze.

I have seen enough of those five-minute workout machines to put me in shape just watching.

Why should I spend hours at the wellness center getting sore muscles or walking or jogging outside in the summer heat? Several great fitness machines are advertised every morning, especially on weekends.

Just think, five minutes.

Maybe 20 for someone as out of shape as me, and presto, I am a hunk.

The diet programs are just as miraculous if I am to believe the before and after pictures.

However, I did hear a radio report that the woman that lost so many dress sizes in a short time was pregnant when they took the before picture.

Need a better job or more income? Those real estate people testify to big bucks in a few days after taking a seminar.

Real estate is purchased with no money down and resold a few days later with a $30,000 profit.

Some do hold property purchased with nothing down and establish cash flow of thousands of dollars per month.

I have never heard them say what the seminar costs or why one would want to share such profitable information.

I suspect the seminar is not "no money down."

Anything anyone could want to purchase is always sold at great discounts on several channels.

I especially like all those ads for products that do miracles peeling anything, cleaning the air – anything you might want done.

The price is always $19.95.

At first I wondered how my wife always knew what the price would be when the demonstration began.

I have watched enough now to know.

We are still trying to get the peeler to work on our apples.

Do you think we need to order some of their demo apples?

The CIA, government agencies and the president could save us a lot of tax money and always get things right if they would use this same window.

Even the court lawyers and judges would always get things right.

Even the top-secret intelligence agencies could get it right by listening to the experts talking through the window of my television.

All the football and baseball coaches would make only correct decisions with the aid of my television window.

Sometimes the right answer comes from one of those talking heads on Monday.

Did you ever wonder why the talking head did not give the coach that advice before the Sunday game?

The best part of all the advice on defeating the terrorists, getting the economy right with more great jobs, solving the culture wars and running a winning campaign is that the answers are satisfactory to all sides.

Did you notice that fair and balanced reporting means using at least two experts with opposite solutions? Each expert has his or her own set of "facts" to support the solution.

Unfortunately, I get multiple-choice answers.

Who decides to use A or B or C or D or none of the above?

I would like to go back and count the number of television experts on terrorist organizations and homeland security who were available prior to Sept.

11, 2001.

Would you agree that we had many fewer at that time? Have you wondered why they were not expert enough to tell us how to stop the 9-11 attacks?

Maybe this television window has some shortcomings.

Maybe everything is not just like it looks on that tiny screen.

This is an age of information where soldiers on the other side of the world can watch themselves on television as they walk down a street in Iraq protecting us at home.

With the magic of the screen, I expect the commanding officers will soon be able to rewind and do another take of the scene if the first one does not work out.

I would like to rewind and do another take of a few events in my life.

Of course, there is no guarantee that the second take would turn out right either.

I could spend a lot of time doing retakes and never get beyond my 30th birthday.

Now you know where to find the window with all the answers.

I am going to give that $19.95 apple peeler another try before I throw it out my original window.

•  •  •

Several of you reminded me that a great memorial to Korean War Vets has been in Washington for some time.

I should have used another term to describe the historical museum Buzz Aldrin is promoting in Illinois.

It would be similar to the WWII museum in Louisiana that records history of that era.

Thanks for keeping me on my toes.

Marvin Robertson is the Miner's business/city government reporter.