Just ask Hal to help save your dumb you-know-what this year.
Valentine's Day isn't just around the empty chocolate wrapper and lace undies strewn corner. It's here. Today. And judging by the divorce rate and orders of protection issued nation wide last year, I believe more than a few of you people could use some help. Let's "Ask Hal."
Dear Hal: Last year I gave my wife some chocolate for Valentine's Day. A lot of chocolate. It came in a bucket that said Extra Large Tub O'Chocolate. And I gave her a nice card that said she was the biggest thing that ever happened to me and there was a huge place in my heart reserved just for her. She was very angry with me, and that has not gone away. What did I do wrong? How can we get the excitement back?
Clueless and Confused
Dear CC: Let's review. The first thing I see are the words extra large tub, biggest and huge. What are you, some sort of moron? Any use of these words at anytime throughout the year, much less on Valentine's Day, may cause you to find your dumb you-know-what sleeping on the couch and living on a steady diet of stale Cheetos.
Women are sensitive to this type of thing, and whenever you are asked the dreaded question, "Does this make my you-know-what look like an extra large tub?" it is in your best interest to fake a heart attack or actually have one. It's less painful and life threatening than giving her an answer. Any answer.
So this year, buy her one small, low-calorie protein bar with a nice hand-written, personalized card attached to it that says, "Dear (Her name here): I love you this much and want you to know you will always be twice the size 9 woman I married!" Presto! There will be excitement! Trust me.
Dear Hal: My husband is a sports fanatic. I can't get him to pay much attention to me on Valentine's Day or any other day, for that matter, as he is usually watching some game on TV in the evening and on weekends too. I am starving for some physical attention and secretly getting very desperate. I was thinking maybe standing in front of the TV naked would produce some results. Think that would work?
Unloved and Unnoticed
Dear Unloved: Absolutely. That will work like a charm and get you lots of attention, but only at the neighbor's house. Just be sure his wife isn't home. A crowded sports bar would work even better. And don't worry; your secret life of desperation is safe with me.
Dear Hal: My wife says she wants to go out this year for Valentine's Day. I was thinking maybe a quick burger at the truck stop, then on to the monster truck show. After that, a couple of beers at the local strip joint would be nice. What do you think?
Dear Mister: Works for me. Run that itinerary by the wife and if she doesn't go for it, pick me up about 7. But I suggest we go to the sports bar. I think Unloved and Unnoticed is going to be there, and she's desperate.
Dear Hal: My boyfriend is a NASCAR fanatic. What would you suggest as a nice stock car racing-related gift?
Dear Double D: A full set of teeth. No, just kidding. A nice new razor so he can have his favorite driver's car number shaved into the hair on his back would be a great gift. Just kidding! No, I'm not.
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