Column: Tax 'em gooooood!

It's pretty sad out there lately. This money crunch is warping everyone's minds. Those we elected to serve us seem to be suffering from brain freeze the most.

Take our state Legislature (please!) for example. What are these clowns doing? We hear that several bills (and most of our representatives) are just hanging around while a small contingent of brainiacs behind closed doors painstakingly scour the budget in search of $3 billion.

"Let's see. How much could we get for The Grand Canyon?"

"You can't be serious, Al. We could never sell The Grand Canyon. My God, man! We are The Grand Canyon State!"

"OK, OK. We'll put that idea on the back burner for now, though I don't see why we couldn't call ourselves The Cactus State. We've got a lot of "em."

And while our representatives entertain themselves with paper footballs and beer-chugging contests, the rest of us chew our nails down to the quick awaiting the final verdict. Our local government officials, never ones to be behind the curve, continue to cut everything (except new trucks and Rattlesnake Wash) as they anticipate drastic reductions in funding when the Einsteins finally emerge from their "think tank."

More than two dozen teachers have been kicked to the curb, fees for this and rates on that have gone up, and now the city of Kingman is seriously considering upping the sales tax in an effort to completely cripple the citizens it serves. At that same budget meeting on Thursday, Councilman Ray Lyons actually proposed giving all city staff raises.

"Hey, these folks are doing a great job. Damn it, we need to give them more money."

"Well, actually, Councilman Lyons, it would cost hundreds of thousands of dollars to do that, and frankly, we don't have the money right now."

"Oh, come on! We're in a boom cycle. Everyone's making money."

"Not again, Mr Lyons. Sir, this is 2009. We are currently in a recession. It's NOT 2006. Did you quit taking your pills again, Councilman?"

Then there's our new Republican (I think) governor, Ms. Brewer, who is screaming, "Tax the peasants! Tax 'em goooooood!" She jumped to that conclusion rather quickly, didn't she?

"Jan Brewer, do you swear to uphold ..."

"Raise their taxes!"

"Please, ma'am, you're not governor yet. If we could just finish this oath of ..."

"Raise them!"

As if we didn't have enough problems with our government trying to give us the shaft, we now have a growing group of tea-baggers intent on making sure every American is scared crazy about pretty much everything. I would love to be there when these Henny Pennys discover that they really don't have much in common except that they all hate the fact that a black man is running (ruining!) the country.

Fox News, in its usual unfair and biased way, is leading the charge, inciting "America lovers" to "take back our country" before it's too late. I say, spend your time grooming a decent candidate to run against Obama in four years if you want to "take back your country."

In the meantime, pick up a history book, for goodness sake. Or a math book. Democrats spend money ... Obama is a Democrat ... so Obama spends money. People seem so bent out of shape that Obama is "wasting" tax dollars. Do you remember a guy we called W? How many billions did he waste in Afghanistan and Iraq? He left office with neither "Mission Accomplished!" Osama bin Laden is still free, and Iraqi citizens are still dying. Oh, and around 5,000 of our best and brightest have given their lives so that worthless desert dwellers can thumb their noses at us.

Great! Now I'm mad about everything.

I really picked the wrong year to quit smoking.