Column: If you try to poke me, you'll pull back a stump

No, I'm not on Facebook, nor do I plan to be on the social networking site anytime soon. I can think of a lot of things I'd rather do to waste my time then sharing old pictures with some friend back in kindergarten.

I just don't get it. But, then again, I don't understand many of the technological advancements in communications made over the last dozen years or so. Are they really advancements? If I ever start a Twitter account, would someone please clobber me upside my head.

I mean, really, I could care less what you ate for breakfast or what you plan to do when you get home from work. Instead, how about you work while you're at work. If you are planning to do something exciting after work, call me up, I might want to go. Don't send me a Tweet. It sounds nasty.

As I see it, Facebook and Twitter and all the rest of these social networks are nothing more than soap boxes for narcissists, so they can show the whole world how special they are. While some use Facebook to share pictures with family, and I've got no problem with that, most would rather display moments from their life that they hope will make other people jealous.

My wife recently signed up for Facebook so she could look at some pictures on my son's site, or page, or whatever it's called. Now she's being "poked" by friends and family everyday to add them. But you can't just add someone. No, you have to basically rate them as a friend.

Some of your friends can see your whole site, while others see only what you want them to see. Sounds like grade school to me. The fact that millions of so-called adults spend countless hours on Facebook makes me cringe. Instead, how about taking your kids to a park or something.

These sites have already gotten people into trouble. I've heard countless stories of young folks being passed over for jobs because a prospective employer jumped online to "check them out," only to find several pictures of the wannabe-employee getting drunk with friends, or worse. Then there's Paris Hilton.

This poor excuse for a human being may want to cancel her Twitter account after her recent cocaine bust in Las Vegas. Seems she told the arresting officer that the purse she had with the cocaine in it wasn't hers. Of course, people generally carry around other people's purses, so why question her sincerity?

Well, because she tweeted a couple months ago, "Love My New Chanel Purse I got Today.:)" along with a picture of said purse. Busted! She must have forgotten about posting that. Coke can do that to you.

From what I've heard, Facebook allows you to un-friend people who no longer meet your high requirements for friendship. It's not enough to ignore them, I guess. Similar to an annulment, on Facebook you can remove your friends from your life with one quick stroke. But watch out, they might remove you as well, and then tell all your other "friends" to remove you. Before you know it, you're not only a loser, you're a loser with no friends.

As I see it, if you've got the time to waste on Facebook playing life, you really need to get one. I know a lot of young people think it's the greatest thing since sliced bread, but I know of something that's better, actual sliced bread. Share some with a friend.

Facebook and Twitter are nothing more than vehicles to promote yourself shamelessly. While a few of your friends might actually be interested in your fascinating life, I can't think that your old boyfriend from elementary school cares that you put strawberries on your cereal or that you think Matt Damon is the sexiest man in the world.

Some people go completely nuts on Facebook, adding silly little games that mesh with the site. Each time you add a friend, you get more corn on your farm, or some other crazy thing. It boggles the mind.

Several years ago, I played a video game my son introduced to me called Harvest Moon. In it, you run a farm - milking cows; planting, watering and harvesting crops; selling the crops; buying more farm supplies, etc., - and run around town talking to people all the time. That game consumed me. I found myself spending more time working on my virtual farm than I did working on my actual property. I didn't mow the lawn for two months; I was too worried about one of my virtual cows that was pregnant.

One day as I was loading the game, it finally hit me. I realized that I didn't own a farm. I didn't have any cows or sheep or horses. The fields didn't need plowing. That world wasn't real. What was real was the foot-high grass in the backyard that needed mowing. After I was done actually mowing my actual grass, I called a friend and we hung out for a couple of hours. Turns out that hanging out with friends and family in the real world is the best social networking site on the planet. It's called Facetime. Check it out.