Column: The missus and the Messiah

We learned last week that some woman from Harvard says Jesus had a wife.

This assertion re-stirred up the contentious debate over whether Jesus ever married, a subject that's been hotly debated since Christianity's earliest days.

I'll leave that brouhaha to the academics.

What I'd like to hear is the gospel of Jesus' spouse. What would it be like to be married to the Messiah?

"Jesus Christ! When did you get back?"

"It was near dawn. And you are like the dawn, bringing light to my life and my tired eyes."

"Don't start. I suppose that gang of yours is out in the barn?"

"My disciples? Yes. They are sleeping."

"They're good at that."

"Judge not, my sweet flower."

"Don't take away my fun. So, good night? Lots of sermons?"

"Yes. I spoke the Word from a boat, and then Simon and I cast nets and caught many fish, even though fishermen's nets were empty all day."

"That's wonderful! Our cupboard's a little bare, you know."

"We shared the fish with the people. But some we have returned with, so that we may eat and continue in the service of our Lord."

"Wait. Are those the fish? Over there? You have a dozen young men who will do anything you say, and I'm the one cleaning the fish? How does that make sense, Mr. Alpha and Omega?"

"Please, we are resting, for we must depart this afternoon."

"Well, speaking of fish ... what's this I hear about you catching a fish with a coin in its mouth? 'It's a miracle,' everyone said. I suppose by some miracle you still have this coin?"

"You know that we store not our treasures on Earth."

"Oh, do I. But one of the moneylenders from the temple came by today. That little stunt where you overturned all the tables in the temple ... well, they're getting impatient. We missed the last two payments, you know."

"Worrying will not add hours to the day nor coins to our pockets. Trust in me, and be not concerned."

"Really? 'Be not concerned'? You're not helping."

At this point, Jesus, in His wisdom, would shut the heck up for a bit.

"So, what's this trip? Another wedding?"

"Yes."

"And I suppose there's 'no wine' at this wedding too, right? Just like the last one, except all that wine miraculously appeared as soon as your lot showed up?"

"That was merely fortuitous. I told them it was not my time."

"Oh, Jesus. 'I will drink no wine before its time,' is that what you're saying? I know you better, sweetie. Our first date? The leaky old wineskin? People think you're deep with all that 'Men do not pour new wine into old wineskins' stuff, but you knew that because of -"

"Let us not dwell on past transgressions."

"Not that I'm complaining. That was a very romantic night."

Jesus' wife sighs.

"So. Off again. I suppose that Mary's going to be there?"

"I have many followers. I cannot name them all, but our Father in Heaven can ..."

"You know perfectly well who I mean, Mr. Lamb of God."

"That is not a title I've accepted."

"'And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go.' Jesus, I'm getting tired of hearing that whispered behind my back. So how 'bout you help me stuff a sandal in it?"

"You shall hear rumors, but see that you are not troubled."

"Stop talking in sound bites. Listen, I have fish to clean. You need to fix the roof before you head out - I married a handyman, didn't I? And make sure those boys wash their hands AND their feet before they come in for breakfast."

"Yes, dear."

And verily I say unto thee - a man who says that, and means it, is a man who knows how to create peace on Earth.