Dear Abby: I have a complicated family situation. My dad was married to a woman named “Cynthia” for 16 years until they divorced. He met and married my mother the next year.
My parents were married for 40 years, until Mom died of cancer a year ago. Since her death, I have gone with my dad to a few holiday events hosted at his other daughters’ houses, where we saw them and Cynthia. Everyone was cordial and welcoming.
A few days ago, Dad told me that he and Cynthia are dating, and he asked me to wish them luck.
My immediate reaction was “Why?!” I left immediately, and have ignored his phone calls ever since.
I cannot express how upset this made me. I realize he’s a lonely old man who would like to maybe start dating again, but his EX-WIFE? It feels like a total betrayal of my mother and me, like we were only some sort of intermission from his first family.
There are so many reasons why this feels like a sad and terrible idea, up to and including the havoc it will wreak on all of his daughters if something goes wrong again.
I feel like he hasn’t taken into account anyone’s feelings but his own.
Am I selfish to feel this way? Is there anything I can do to stop this dead in its tracks? I don’t want to be the bad guy, but I will NEVER be OK with this. – “Intermission” Daughter
Dear Daughter: If you are never OK with this, you will punish only yourself. Your father’s divorce from Cynthia appears to have been amicable.
His attraction to her may have more to do with the fact that he is drawn to someone familiar than any lack of feeling for you and your mother.
Instead of punishing him by ignoring his calls, I urge you to talk to him.
What he’s doing isn’t disrespectful. He has mourned your mother’s death for a year.
Let him find happiness if he can, because if you do, I predict that it will spill over into your own.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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