Why stop with cell phones when there is so much we could ban? (Guest Column)

I feel much safer now that the elected stewards of the city of Kingman have decided to finally punish these irresponsible individuals among us commoners who dare to talk over a handheld device while driving. It is about time, even in Kingman, that we have this new law to keep us safe: finally, we have followed the leadership of the great socialist state of California.

We definitely need more government in our cars. After all, the ban on smoking you have passed was not enough.

I would like to humbly suggest, since you care so much about the safety and the welfare of your taxpayers/subjects, do not stop with the cellphone ban, but in accord with your fatherly tough love/feel good logic, please consider also banning the following very dangerous activities while driving that can definitely create chaos, devastation and mayhem on the streets of Kingman.

1) No food while driving: I understand this one may touch your sales tax bottom line, but food is a real potential cause for car accidents and mass destruction. Have you ever tried to eat a "Double-Double" from In-N-Out with one hand while driving with the other hand? You need special NASCAR skills. The ketchup dripping all over, the sliced tomatoes may fall under your brake, and if you try to catch it, it can make you lose control of your car. Let's not even talk about the greasy French fries falling everywhere.

Eating while driving is way more dangerous than just holding an electronic device in your hand. Also, please be sure to double the fine for people caught eating fast food with too much salt. Salt can be a killer for your blood pressure and it can cause a heart attack! What if a driver gets a heart attack while driving? After all, the city of New York was able to pass that law to ban salt in restaurants for a while. I am sure the city of Kingman can do the same, and do it permanently.

2) No beverages while driving: As I have said for food, drinking while driving can also be deadly. I am not talking about alcohol, of course. We already have laws on that (but the city of Kingman can always ban alcohol completely at a city level, even in our own homes). I am talking about drinking that large soft drink in that paper cup while driving and trying to enjoy it. It can be very dangerous. For sure as dangerous as holding a cellphone. I propose a double fine for coffee drinkers. That caffeine can really create a rush, excitement and therefore an irresponsible euphoria can be related to dangerous behavior in drivers. Triple the fine if the coffee is hot. Imagine if it spills on the driver's skin: the shock could definitely cause an accident.

3) No radio: Listening to the radio while driving is extremely dangerous. I am sure we can find some psychologists to back this up. First of all, finding the right channel can be time-consuming and very irritating and therefore distracting for the average driver. Talk radio may induce too much thinking activity, and that's not good, of course, because it causes distraction. Rock music can be loud and diminish your capabilities to listen for incoming cars, therefore it can create accidents. Also, I propose a double fine with immediate Taser punishment on the spot if the driver gets caught listening to NPR, which is well-known to cause a state of impairment in the driver - since the typical voices of National Public Radio hosts are famous for putting people to sleep.

4) No staring at billboards: Looking at billboards while driving shall be prohibited. Period. A clear cause of distraction for the average male driver is looking at billboards with attractive models with any skin exposed. I am sure you agree with that. The only billboards where attractive women are allowed are the ones where they wear Sharia-style burqa clothing.

5) No talking: This is a simple one. A no-brainer. If people cannot talk on the cellphone while driving, they should never be allowed to talk with another person or with themselves in the car while driving. Imagine a husband and wife, or a husband with a few wives, or a boyfriend and girlfriend having an animated conversation. What if the passenger is sitting behind the driver? To engage the conversation, not only does the driver have to stay focused on the topic, but also turn his or her head back - a much more dangerous scenario than just driving while holding a cell phone.

6) No makeup and driving: According to statistics, half of women apply make-up behind the wheel, causing as many as 450,000 car accidents a year. I believe this is way more dangerous than holding a cell phone. You must pass a specific city ordinance to officially outlaw any attempt for women to apply makeup while driving or even have an open bottle of lipstick or mascara in the car. The makeup must be locked in the back of the trunk and treated like an alcoholic beverage.

So, I hope these humble suggestions will inspire you to do more to keep your subjects safe.

To conclude, I humbly remind you that, "To keep a taxpayer safer, it is justifiable to enslave the whole city."