Gueest Column: Making America Jurassic Again

President Donald Trump possesses a style described by friends as virile and intuitive, and by foes as oafish and oblivious. Some see him as a breath of fresh air, with a disarming directness, while others consider him a blustering bully with the grace of a pile of crumbling cement blocks cascading off a flatbed truck. Passionate versus fool-hardy. Eager slash hasty. Swift or rash.

But these are principally domestic arguments. The international community is not so divided. They view our new chief executive as a brutish barbarian whose goal is to antagonize not just the other nations of the world, but Mother Earth herself.

45’s first overseas trip initially dropped him successfully in Saudi Arabia and Israel, where he mostly just antagonized his wife. Then the reality TV star traveled to a NATO meeting where he scolded its members, and demonstrated how to put America first by shoving the Prime Minister of Montenegro to the side in order to rush to the front of a photo shoot. “Out of the way, pal.”

Arriving home, Trump leaped back onto the Twitter Train, shooting out a midnight tweet ending with the words “press covfefe.” He either spelled the word “coverage” wrong or was rhapsodizing about the java coming out of his french press. Or both.

What happened after that, nobody knows. Perhaps he drifted off, confident that he had rallied the troops. Or maybe he realized his mistake and tried to correct the spelling but was betrayed by his undersized digits and ended up hitting “send.”

We’ve all done it. Most of us would have stopped, deleted and started over. But President Golden Canopy not only left aloft this incoherent muddle, the next day he doubled down with another incomprehensibility, “Who can figure out the true meaning of “Covfefe” ??? Enjoy!”

Unable to resort to his usual lame obfuscation: “the tweet speaks for itself,” because it didn’t, spokesperson Sean Spicer insisted the president and a small group of people knew what the post meant but couldn’t keep a straight face when saying it.

The president is incapable of admitting a mistake. Ever. Not even a misspelled word. Simply put, the malignant orange narcissist is purposefully messing with us. Trump is screwing with his constituents over a typo. He’s 12.

Later, Trump told Planet Earth to take a hike, announcing America was pulling out of the Paris Climate Accord. His reasoning for joining Syria and Nicaragua to stand against 194 signers of the pact is it would handicap our country economically. And with him in charge, the fewer handicaps, the better.

Trump is intent on fulfilling his campaign promise to Make America Jurassic Again, even though over forty major U.S. corporations including GM, GE, Chevron, Shell, Apple, Exxon-Mobil and BP favor the agreement, because they have come to the opinion that the extinction of the human species might not be good for business.

Liberals fear a hidden agenda of the GOP’s Plan is to step up global warming to raise ocean waters, thereby flooding California coastline cities turning the state’s 55 electoral votes reliably red. Then again, maybe, when the President mentioned that he doesn’t want other countries laughing at us anymore, what he was really saying is he’s ready to step down. Fingers crossed.