Shatter

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Today was the first day in a while that I actually felt like I was doing something.

I woke up at 7 with my son. Actually, my husband got up, and I woke up to him on the monitor. Still, I got up. And, instead of going back to bed, I stayed up. Granted, I laid down for a while longer, but I did stay up. I finished a training for my new Girl Scout troop and began a poster for a recruitment. Then, I got dressed to go to town with my mother-in-law.

She and I spent the day running errands and making appointments. In four and a half hours, we went to an hour appointment, grabbed lunch, hit two more errands and went grocery shopping. My favorite part? The shopping. I finally took the time to go buy something I wanted. Something that made me feel good.

I bought myself fake eyelashes, some glue, a new pair of sunglasses, and some press-on nails. I then went and got something special. I can't say specifically because the person I bought it for reads this. And it's a surprise. Then, I went to the stationery section and picked up a few things I thought would help me.

See, I run well on a schedule. I run much smoother when I can see what I need done and when for the entire day. That's been my hardest adjustment having a baby. There is no telling what's going to and what isn't going to get done that day. You don't run on a schedule. You run on the baby’s schedule. He cries and you drop everything. He's playing and you play with him. He's watching cartoons and you let him know you're still around. Those quick, 30-minute naps he takes every few hours? That's when you bust out the work you need to do. Still, it seems like much more can be done.

I left my son today like I've done a hundred times. But this time, I left him to go to a recruitment event. As I turned to walk out the door, I heard my son yell from the recliner he was sitting on. I turned to look and there he sat. Just barely, I could see his little face watch me, confused and wondering why I was leaving yet again. When not even ten minutes earlier, I watched that same face light up so bright he put the sun to shame – just because I had walked into the room for the first time in almost five hours.

I have never felt my heart shatter into as many pieces as it did in that moment.

Not even the most particular, perfectly ideal schedule – one that made enough time to work, run a troop, market, run a blog and be successful in all of it, while never sacrificing time with my family – would've made me feel better in that moment.

More of Jennifer's posts can be read at jennrooks.weebly.com