Column: Pablo's Arizona adventure
His name is Pablo. He came to Kingman a year ago as part of a program to teach foreigners how politics and local government in America works. He leaves Kingman to return home this week, and I asked him if I could print his most recent letter to his mother. I thought it might be interesting to view ourselves through the eyes of an outsider.
You wouldn't believe how much fun this adventure has been. I've learned so much about America here in Kingman, Arizona. Papa cried when they told him I would be coming to Arizona, but he shouldn't have. It's been wonderful. It's warm, and the people are so friendly. They scare me a little bit, but only the ones who work for the government. I was told when I first arrived that only the really stupid people are allowed to be in charge around here. I think that may be how it is all over America.
There's all kinds of government here. You know how we just have the one in our country, well, they have a bunch here, and people have to give their money to all of them. They call them "damn taxes," but sometimes they put other words before "taxes" that I shouldn't repeat. One man told me the damn taxes are like bed bugs. They hide everywhere, and little by little, they suck the blood out of you. They're supposedly really hard to see, but the government sneaks them into everything you buy or use. I was watching CNN and they said there's an infestation across America. Hopefully, this T. Partee guy can do something about it.
Another government here in Kingman is the Board of Stupidvisors, though I think that's the wrong way to say it because there's only three of them, so that's hardly a board. They work for a King Walker and they're despised by the people. I hear things like, "The BOS hates dogs" and "The BOS hates senior citizens" and "That damn BOS wanted me to work overtime again!" No one I know likes the BOS.
Recently, the BOS made lots of people mad when they ruled that no one can have more than two dogs on their small property. Buster, who I'm told is not a dog, got Sockwell, who I'm told is feeble, to vote in this terrible rule, and it made all the pet owners sad. Some are so sad that they've hired Smith and Wesson to watch over their property in case Buster and Sock come to take away their dogs. Thankfully, King Walker used a bunch of the people's money to secure their throne off Route 66, so they'll be safe there.
King Walker is like King Farquaad in the Shrek movie. He's a tiny man with loads of power, and he thinks everyone is scared of him, but the funny part is that it's actually King Walker who is scared of all the people. It makes for some fun antics, believe me. I'm told that the king wears around a suit of armor that only he can see. He's terrified of pitchforks and personal freedom, and he loves to give water away, which is strange because this is the desert.
I've been trying to understand the politics here, but they make no sense. The BOS are Republicans, but they make rules to limit individual rights, which I thought Democrats did. The governor, who I'm told is a mean witch, is a Republican, but then she convinced the people to vote in a new tax, which I thought Democrats did. The Republicans say they want to cut spending, but then they make wars which cost more money than the things they want to cut. The Democrats are afraid to stand up to the Republican nonsense, so their leader, an African guy, yells at them. They get their feelings hurt, so now they're sulking. I'm not sure where this T. Partee guy fits in, but he thinks both parties are filled with whackos. I think he's right.
American politics is fun to watch. They've somehow developed a system that elects only power-driven people who can raise a lot of money. Honest, hard-working people never run for office. Only the ones with huge egos and suspect morals ever get elected, then the people who elected them complain that they elected idiots, but then they elect them again and again. Here in Arizona, they keep electing that old guy that ran for president with that dumb chick from Russia. No one likes him, but they keep putting him in office.
His name is John McCain, and he's a hoot. He's running around saying, "Build the damn fence," even though he's the one person who could have gotten the fence built years ago. I'm not sure what fence he's talking about, but I think it's a fence to keep out anything the president wants to do to help the country. McCain likes to blame everyone else for his own personal failings as a representative of the people, but they keep electing him here "cuz he's got spunk." They like spunk in Arizona. Brains seem to be optional.
You know how when people fail in our country they're banished to the cold mountains up north? That's not how it's done in Arizona. The governor signed a bill that made other states laugh at Arizona, and now the American government has sued and companies are no longer bringing their money to the state. She's cackled about headless immigrants and looked drunk at a televised debate, but she's going to keep her seat in November because she's got spunk. Brewer is running against actually-qualified Terry Goddard, but he's a Democrat, and he doesn't hate Hispanics, so he doesn't stand a chance.
They love to reward failure in Arizona. The people are about to elect the man who presided over the worst education system in America ... as the attorney general! Can you believe it? He fails in one department so they're putting him in charge of another one. Mr. Horne will be in good company next to Gov. Brewfest and the band of idiots who call themselves a Legislature. They all follow McCain's lead. He hasn't done a thing to help Arizona ever, but he'll be re-elected again because this state loves a loser. I think it makes people feel better about themselves.
Speaking of failed government leaders, have I told you about the BOS? You should have seen them a few weeks back when the guy in charge of prisons in Arizona visited them to explain why a few prisoners escaped from a prison here. I think they respected his incompetence because they're afflicted with the same disease. He blamed everyone but himself, just like McCain, then the BOS gave him a big hug and a sloppy kiss and sent him back to Phoenix so he can figure out how to get more killers into the prison here. What a county!
Well, Mama, I better wrap this up. I could go on and on about what I've learned about politics in Kingman and Arizona and America, but it would only make you cry. For me, I've had the greatest year of my life, and I can't wait to return to Kingman some day to see how everything turned out. Who knows, maybe I could fail at everything in life and come back to Arizona and get elected to an office. No, that probably wouldn't work. I hear they hate immigrants around here.