Column: The Christmas gifts you didn’t get but totally deserved
Relax. Now breathe. And repeat.
The nonstop madcap insanity has finally reached its red and green holiday crescendo and its all downhill from here. Don’t know if it had anything to do with the earth-shaking, democracy-twisting events of November 8th, but people were extra special amplified crazy this particular solstice season. Like frothing-at-the-mouth wacky. Hair-tearing bonkers. Nuttier than the Planters Hospitality Suite at a Flying Squirrel Convention crazy.
We salute all you stalwart consumers for navigating those Demolition Derby parking lots in the honorable quest of sinking heavily into debt to celebrate the birth of that Jewish hippie kid.
Anticipating the flash of horror across your face when the bills float in from the mail, let us offer up our annual WILL DUR$T’$ XMA$ GIFT WI$H LI$T. These are the presents that folks presumably did not find under their tree but most certainly deserved.
For Vladimir Putin: one of those extra long telescoping leashes to control his new pet.
For Ronald McDonald: an extended vacation until the creepy clown sightings subside. 4 years ought to do it.
For Melania Trump: a couple of grey hairs to give her some gravitas. Cuff & collar.
For Kim Kardashian: an itinerary of Melania Trump’s movements so she can study up for 2024.
For Donald Trump: who is proud of saying anything that flies into his head: a tiny rabid West African Ruby- Throated Hummingbird.
For Speaker of the House Paul Ryan: a whip, a chair and thigh high boots for when he has to deal with the Executive branch.
For Elizabeth Warren: a set of portable Klieg lights to stay front and center for the foreseeable future.
For Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Anthony Kennedy & Stephen Breyer: the finest health care available.
For each Democrat in Congress: a 55-gallon drum of Vitamin D to put a little spine in their spine.
For Billy Bush: a job in the Trump administration’s protocol division where all he does is follow POTUS around saying “The Donald scores again.”
For Kellyanne Conway: a nap. Starting to look a little ragged around the edges.
For Anthony Weiner: a one-way ticket to a deserted South Sea Island populated mostly by poisonous snakes and omnivorous snails.
For Huma Abedin: a closed circuit camera recording every second.
For Roger Ailes: an appointment with the same counseling group now attended by Bill Cosby.
For the American Public: a case of antacid in order to get through the heartless pummeling of the spineless cheered on by the clueless.
For the new host of Celebrity Apprentice, Arnold Schwarzenegger: his own kill phrase, something like, “You won’t be back.”
For British Prime Minister Theresa May: A copy of the Kama Sutra to discover a position that will allow her to twist out of Brexit.
For Mexican President Enrique Pena Nieto: a wall on the border to control our immigration.
For Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau: same thing.
For Samsung: the quick introduction of the Galaxy VIII.
For Rudy Giuliani: a muzzle. Permanent. Steel. Welded with titanium rivets.
For Bashar Al Assad: something quick and painless: heart attack in bed.
For NATO Commanders: a gift subscription to the Coffee of the Week Club. Decaf option declined.
For Hillary Clinton: proof.