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Sat, Aug. 17

'Gods of Egypt' completely ridiculous

Gods of Egypt (Lionsgate)

Gods of Egypt (Lionsgate)

I watched a very good movie Friday. It was well-paced, with diverse, interesting characters, and a dramatic plot driven by a good story that kept me consistently engaged and entertained. The movie was called "White Heat," starring James Cagney and Virginia Mayo, and it was made in 1949.

Unfortunately, that's not the movie I was assigned to review. No, instead the movie I'm required to waste a couple hundred words on is "Gods of Egypt," which sadly stars Nikolaj Coster-Waldau (better known as Jaime Lannister of Game of Thrones), Gerard Butler, Geoffrey Rush, and Rufus Sewell. Everyone's talents are wasted, and everyone phones it in; although, I can't exactly say I blame them.

As one fellow movie buff friend of mine wisely predicted, this flick definitely skips the substance and quality for stupid, over-the-top (and not even very good) special effects. The entire film can be roughly described as decent actors giving bad performances in what was undoubtedly an entirely green-screened set. They looked, sounded, and acted completely ridiculous.

But hey, Gerard Butler got to wear sandals and scream at the camera, Jaime got something to do in between GoT seasons and a role that didn't include incest, and Geoffrey Rush got another paycheck, but unfortunately won't be able to look his Oscar in the eye for at least another six months.

All kidding aside, this movie really is terrible. I usually like to try to make a movie appeal to some audience or demographic, but I honestly can't do that here and feel good about myself. The pacing was so agonizingly slow, the just over 2-hour run-time honestly felt closer to 3. The acting is flat and not believable, but it's OK because you don't care about the characters anyway.

The other movies currently playing at Brenden are "Deadpool," "Kung Fu Panda 3," "How to Be Single," and "Zoolander 2," so there's enough diversity there that you can still go to the theater and find something entertaining. Just not "Gods of Egypt."

The only thing I might be able to say it has going for it (because it certainly isn't story, character development, humor, suspense, originality, or ... you know, being a decent movie) is I guess it's kind of action-y. But even then, just see "Deadpool" (or stay home and watch "Die Hard" again if you're not into over-the-top violence or obscenity).

As far as "Gods of Egypt," I give it one out of four Miners and suggest you save your time and your money.


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