Trusted local news leader for Kingman, Arizona & Mohave County
Thu, Sept. 19

After Trump loses - another fable

It was just past 1 a.m. on 9 November (allowing for polls to close in Hawaii) when every network (including FAUX, who was forced to have security remove Karl Rove for being a jackass) declared Trump lost in the most massive landslide ever seen in American political presidential election history. The remarkable 1936 Roosevelt/Landon race saw Landon garnering only eight electoral votes. This time around Trump managed to eke out a total of four electoral votes and within hours those four electors (from rural Louisiana) said they would not go on record for Trump. Trump stated he was going to sue all of the electors of the Electoral College for participating in the rigging of the election.

Trump immediately began tweeting, using ALL CAPS, stating he would not, under any circumstances, concede his loss to Mrs Clinton. That was quickly followed by another all caps tweet claiming the election had been rigged and he was going to sue every media outlet (print and broadcast) in the nation for “non-support.” The American people laughed at both disputations with the majority saying, “What Trump says is of no consequence or importance. He’s basically a spoiled little rich kid who has proven throughout the election he is an anti-American slob.” Trump stated he was going to sue every American who expressed a negative opinion of him.

Some of the 276 Trump supporters set out before dawn to correct the “election rigging” as Trump egged them on with comments about how, “You need to implement second amendment actions against all those who did not support me.” A group of three drunken morons, armed to the teeth, sped northward from rural Georgia heading for Washington, D.C., after telling their families, “…we’re gonna kill that Hillary b!” All three died in a fusillade of gunshots when they attempted to crash through a police roadblock on I-95 in North Carolina. Trump said he was going to sue the police who killed his supporters.

Out west, 16 heavily armed men met at a local fire station west of Kingman, Ariz., loaded into three pick-um-up trucks and when they reached the highway could not decide whether to attack the liberal scum in Kingman or Bullhead City. As they argued a man with a deep accent leaned over the roof of the last pick-um-truck in line and accidentally triggered the RPG he was holding, sending the projectile into the two pick-um-trucks in front, instantly killing all of the men in both trucks. The remaining men were last seen speeding towards and crossing into Mexico, where they were immediately arrested for weapons and ammunition possession. Trump reported he was going to sue Mexico for infringing on the men’s second amendment rights – not realizing Mexico is not part of the United States.

Two days following the election, Trumps unattractive Russian and English challenged wife (wonder why he didn’t marry an American?) mysteriously departed the multi-million dollar Trump apartment before dawn and disappeared. It was later disclosed she had boarded a jet at Teterboro Airport and the plane had been tracked flying into Russian air space where it landed near Praskoveyevka, on the northern coast of Russia's Black Sea – where Putin has one of his palaces. Trump said he was going to sue his wife and Vladimir Putin for alienation of affections.

A federal judge demanded Trump turn over his passport and ordered federal marshals to seize all Trump-owned aircraft when it was revealed Trump was attempting to flee the United States while facing indictments ranging from statutory rape to malfeasance in business procedures, along with the operations of a phony charitable foundation and a scam university. Trump responded, saying he was going to sue the federal judge and all prosecutors involved in investigating his numerous alleged crimes.

Things began to heat up as more Trump supporters slithered out of the muck and began shooting into the sky while shouting “Jail Hillary!” One child was killed when a bullet – as they always will – came back to earth and struck her in the head. Police began a canvas of the Trump supporters who were heard to mutter, “Now, how in the heck did that thing cum back down?” – “I doesn’t know, ain’t neffer seen nuthin’ like that afore.” Trump said he is going to sue the police for trying to find the shooter, claiming, “They were just having fun.”

The ever insane Michelle Bachmann was seen on 10 November going into a self-storage unit with a sign on the door that said, “Do Not Disturb Until Spring 2020” when it is expected she will once again surface, blink at the sun and proclaim God told her who was going to be the next president, much as she did this year. Trump released a statement that he is going to sue God for breach of promise.

Vladimir Putin, on Thanksgiving Day, leaked 25 years’ worth of Trump income tax returns to Wikileaks stating, “Винт Трампа, я не должен ему ничего больше.” Julian Assange, the sexual predator owner of Wikileaks, from his hiding place in an embassy where he is avoiding arrest, released the massive collection of documents with the comment, “Trump can’t help me now.” Trump’s immediate response was to tell the media he is going to sue every person on Earth who looks at his tax returns.

14 December - Courts all across America, from city municipal courts to the Supreme Court of the United States, released statements that if Trump attempts any lawsuit, for any reason, anywhere in the nation he will be held in contempt and fined for filing frivolous lawsuits. Trump reported he will be filing lawsuits in the World Court against “everyone.”


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