Golden Valley resident desires companion
Hi, I am Butch Meriwether, the skipper of Butch’s Brew.
I’m going to borrow a term that has always been part of military vernacular and that’s “mission statement,” in order to attempt to define what my blogs will be about. The subjects are diversified, sometimes cute, funny or may address interesting subjects. However, there may be times when I believe a particular subject needs to be “championed” and addressed.
I hope my blogs educate, inform, entertain, cause debate, and last but not least, inspire change to occur.
However, this case, I decided to temporarily relinquish the reins of Butch’s Brew to one of my dearest family members so he can seek out everyone’s help.
First off, you must realize he has had numerous failed attempts to type his thoughts and desires via the computer keyboard, and that’s why I decided to type what he has dictated to me. This is what he wanted everyone to know.
“I’m Tom and I am an approximately 30-year-old captive-bred Desert Tortoise that’s currently living a life of solitude in Golden Valley.
My elderly Service Human (SH) felt she was getting up there in age and could not care for me for anymore.
She contacted Butch Meriwether and Chris Marie, and they made me a wonderful 18 x 60-foot enclosure with a giant bungalow (burrow) for me to enjoy during the heat of the day and cool nights, and to hide out in during my extended period of hibernation. See, from about October to April, I head into to my bungalow and stay there, not even taking time to come out and eat.
The actual bungalow is the size of a large chest freezer with a tortoise-friendly patio cover attached to the front of it at the Meriwether Family Zoo.
If you know anything about the Meriwethers, you realize I will live out my life in safety and in spoiled luxury. However, I honestly don’t need that much room if I am to remain a single dude.
My enclosure already has tortoise-friendly flowers and plants for me to munch on in between my catered scrumptious meals they provide me.
You would not believe what was served to me last night. I had strawberries, and green and red leaf lettuce. The lettuce was wonderful and crisp, and the strawberries were sweet and delicious. I can’t wait until tonight to see what type of tender morsels are brought to me by my SHs. They do not deliver iceberg lettuce to me because it has no nutritional value. Darn, I love abode delivery, but pizza is off the menu. LOL, I’m a tech-savvy tortoise and I want to tell you LOL is social media acronym for “laughing out loud.”
I want to fill my lonely heart and that’s why I’m contacting all of you SHs on the various social media outlets and via the newspaper website in hopes of finding some good looking hard-shell honey to share my lonely and wonderful life, and my abode.
Since I do not want to be deemed a pervert, I would prefer a “hottie” because I really am an old horny tortoise and females are not supposed to mate prior to turning five to seven years old. I’m a virgin and do you know how hard it would be to control myself if I had some delicious and fabulous looking female tortoise living in the same area and I couldn’t make my way with her? I could instruct my SH to trek through the blistering desert in hopes of finding a companion for me, but since the early 1980s, it’s illegal to take one of my relatives from the great expanse.
If any of you SHs out there in cyberland or who read the newspaper have a female companion for me, preferably at least 10 years or older, please contact my SH Butch Meriwether via Facebook, call him at 928-530-8988 or email him at firstname.lastname@example.org.
I am looking forward to one of you SHs who are willing to help me fill the current void in my life.
I was informed that officials for Match.com and Farmersonly.com didn’t appreciate my application, so that’s why I am seeking your help. Hope to hear from you soon. Love always Thomas. Yes, my close friends refer to me as Tom.
Only domestic goddesses need to apply to be my mate.