As a 30-something woman, I find the Women's Liberation Movement fascinating. What I find more fascinating still is the backlash that I see from women in my age group. It's as if they have no idea what women before them fought and died for. As if Feminism is a new and somehow novel concept not one born of necessity and hardship at the turn of the 20th century. Of course women have been rising up, challenging social norms before then, but to keep it simple let's say it really gained momentum in the early 1900s.
I find the lack of awareness that people my age have of such a necessary movement concerning. I won't even mention the myriad problems that come in the form of domestic violence and its outliers pre-Women's Lib. In light of the Anti-Feminist Movement I put together a helpful and practical guide to living life as a woman without that nasty thing called “feminism.”
Before you can begin living life outside of your parents’ home you must first find a husband. A man with a good living that can support a single income household is preferred but remember don't be too picky! We'll get into the details of finding a husband later on. First things first:
- Quit your job – Your place is in the home. Can’t afford it? Budget. You’re in charge of purchasing food and household items your husband deems necessary on the allowance he thinks is appropriate.
- Close your bank account. Before the evil women’s liberation movement women could only be on their husband's account. You were single and had savings? Doesn’t matter. Sign it all over to him. Money is not for women to deal with since their feeble minds can’t handle such a great responsibility.
- Credit cards? Sign ‘em over to that husband of yours. Same concept, you can’t be trusted to spend money responsibly.
- Get off any and all birth control. Without feminism it isn't available to you – despite what Margaret Sanger might say about your "rights." But what about condoms? Absolutely not. Your husband doesn’t need to wear a condom decreasing HIS pleasure because your idiot self can’t stop getting pregnant.
- Birth control can avoid this issue but make sure it's okay with your husband first. You may talk to him about it but be sure to have him escort you to your OBGYN so they can discuss what’s best for your body and him. Remember to stay quiet! Their conversation and decisions do not need your weak-minded opinion.
- Can’t afford kids, a mortgage and expenses on one budget? Your bare minimum job is to figure it out!
- Have your name on a lease or a mortgage? Sign that it over. That’s his property now. He may choose to sell his new property and put the money into his savings but it's his prerogative. Do not expect to see a dime of the money he collects from your former property. If he wants to use it as a fund for his outings, hobbies and collections, that is up to him. Do not selfishly and laughably suggest it go toward your wants or needs. He will give you an addition to your allowance if he deems it appropriate.
- Having a hard time with postpartum depression? Get over it. You have a house to clean, kids to care for and meals to be made.
- Feel overwhelmed and want to see a doctor to help you through this difficult time? Make sure your husband goes along so he can tell the doctor you’re not living up to your duties and the real problem is your poor work ethic. Your husband shouldn’t have to go without because you’re “tired.”
- Have a car? Sign that over, too. It’s his property and be sure to let him know (asking is better!) when you’re using it. Put yourself on a schedule so he knows where you’re going, who you’ll see and exactly when you’ll be back. Be considerate!
- Want the same wage for the same work? Preposterous! Your work is inferior to a man’s – why would you even begin to think it wasn’t? You don’t need to work anyway. Stay in your parents’ home until you find a husband.
- As soon as you're 18 you should marry. You should have been courting since high school so this shouldn't be too difficult. But remember! Not every woman is graced with good looks so don't be picky! It might take such a woman a little longer to marry, so remember: Lower your standards! He doesn’t have to be rich or handsome. He just has to feel you’re worth the responsibility. Would you adopt a puppy that wasn’t house trained? Of course not! Remember to show your desirable attributes like a clean house, pretty makeup and never, ever, put your hair in a lazy ponytail! Don’t make him look at an unkempt, messy girl as a prospect.
- And finally, that disgusting word "no" feminists love should never cross your lips when speaking to your husband. If you’re a good girl you should already know that the word "no" in any form should never, ever be spoken to your caring husband.
Remember, you’re not a feminist. You’re his property and are to obey at all times. Not in the mood? How selfish! Immediately see that he has a drink and is comfortable, and the kids are quiet – remember: he had a long day! And get yourself looking as best as possible so he’ll want to be intimate with you. Even if you don’t get ready and he sorrowfully engages in intimacy with you anyway, remember that that is not fair to him. He deserves beauty and deferment at all times.
I am so proud and glad for all the women who don’t need feminism! This is really getting back to the heart of what makes a society great! Follow these guidelines and you’ll be happy, content and will never have to use that frail mind all by yourself ever again.
Now, doesn’t that feel safe?